the gentle weight of a life lived

Daily writing prompt
What’s the oldest things you’re wearing today?

This is an interesting question to be faced with today – while on the surface it obviously can be met with literality, as a writing prompt, it naturally asks more of us to sit down and reflect to write more. Or at least that’s how it reads to me.

My answer is twofold: the oldest thing I’m physically wearing is a pentacle. Previously exclusively my mother’s, now recently bestowed upon me to wear for a time. At least until it’s either recalled to her or something else comes to find me.

This one in particular is made out of thin silver, with a rainbow moonstone gem in the middle, wrapped by an intentionally off-colour tarnished snake. It’s a piece that I picked up for her around a decade ago when travelling in Salem, Massachusetts.

We used to live in MA during my early high school years, following behind my mother who was studying her PhD at university in the early 2000s. The memories made there are important stitches in my life’s tapestry. When not walking the halls of the Waltham Hawks though, my mother and I would often find ourselves up along the coast, about 30 minutes drive when traffic was good, walking through old cemeteries and archive buildings in the greater Salem area. While at the time I didn’t yet understand the value of those days, jokingly calling it child abuse to be dragged through graveyards on the regular –I now know it for the important work she was doing, shining truth on the history of the real people who lived through the infamous Salem witch trials.

I had grown up in a pagan household; while the rest of my family would consider themselves Lutheran, my mother was a practising witch herself and I spent many of my youngest days in the midst of a supportive coven. She herself also was an initiated Voodoo priestess (from before I was born), and a student of the craft both in spirit and in its history. I grew up surrounded by magic.

During those times, when not traipsing through graveyards, we often visited Salem proper and drank in all the pagan shops (tourist and traditional alike), savouring quality seafood, and being frequent riders of the Salem Trolley Tour. She made good friends with many of the practitioner-owners of the area, including the one that would a decade later, sell me the pentacle I’m wearing today (alongside the best ritually made incense I’ve smelled since childhood).

Around 2012 – 2014, was the aforementioned trip that my friend and I ended up back in Salem, MA after a trip to Washington D.C. and New York City. Prior to our arrival in Salem, but after our departure, my mother told me about a dream she had – describing this pendant. She had been scrolling through the website for Nu Aeon to give us a list to pick up for her — and there it was, this very one. It was a shock, but one very much in line with the kind of synchronous magic I’d learned about the world, tangible but miraculous in its own right.

She called the owner and after reminiscing discovered that the pentacle had been in storage for a long time. Prior to its inclusion on the website (long after we’d stopped living in the area and moved home to Canada), there would have been no chance that my mother would have ever seen it physically before. And yet, she saw it in her dream almost exactly as it was found in the tucked away boxes of that shop.

It was agreed that the following day I would pick up the necklace for her when we came to Salem, along with several other choice selections. And so so much incense – a handful of packages we still have with us over a decade later. She opened her doors for us on a day that Nu Aeon would have not otherwise been open – feeling too the call of the dream’s synchronicity.

I was given this pentacle after having my own dream about one. Despite growing up immersed in pagan life and largely participating in it as naturally as others attend mass, I’ve only recently started to embrace it more openly, rather than the quiet reverence I kept to myself and my ancestors. While the pentacle held in my dream is not the one I carry around my neck, it has its own story and significance. A story I add to every day its with me. I don’t know when the one that reached out through the dreamscape will reach me, but I’m grateful for the presence of this one while I keep watch.


When starting to answer this question I knew I felt a call to address not only the age of what I’m physically wearing, but also the stories I carry with me. The invisible tapestry stitched thread by thread by all my life’s experiences. While the oldest adornment I have on me today is this pentacle and its story – I also wear my tapestry. At least as old as the idea of me held in the heart of my mother before I was born, and everything that’s been stitched in since. Memories that echo in steps moving forward, in reflections of the past in objects that linger in our view; of a voice reaching from the position of everything that’s come before, beckoning the future to meet it in the brief space of present reality.

Some people may feel burdened by their tapestry, but I wear it proudly like a cloak. The gentle weight of a life lived, uniquely mine, growing more majestic and beautiful with each passing year. Some spots are worn, others were broken but mended — and I’m grateful for every stitch.

Destined to Play? A Goalpost Theory.

Daily writing prompt
Do you believe in fate/destiny?

So I’m very late to posting on this prompt, but I made sure to save it when I saw the question earlier this month. After the rush of the ICGAN conference, I have returned to a hermit-academic mode and thus now seems like a perfect time to revisit this in earnest.

When I saw this prompt I was immediately flashed back to some unknown time in my childhood/early teenage years where, as any good philosopher-Sagittarius kid does, I was discussing with friends about how we understood free will.

I was pretty confident in my answer, and largely it hasn’t changed in all that time. I hadn’t really thought of it much in detail prior to this circle chat of friends, but it came out as if I had spent time researching on it. Perhaps somewhere on some leaking-through timeline I had.

“Goalposts”

“Goalposts?”

I remember grabbing a piece of paper to try to demonstrate my understanding – it ended up looking like some sort of path through an invisible maze.

“Basically, we all have goals we have to achieve in life, certain doorways we eventually have to cross through. No matter how many different paths you take, in whatever direction, or for whatever time…” I drew a line going in all kinds of loops and paths, crossing through some goals on the paper earlier on, before looping back and going through others nearer the start of where my pencil had hit the page. “…you eventually have to go through your destined goal posts.”

It seems overtly simple, in retrospect, and yet I still think I largely believe this is true.

As we move through life, there are things we encounter that we either run from or run towards — things that change us, shape us, or catalyze something within our lives or those around us. Sometimes they manifest like cyclical lessons; dating the same archetypes of people over and over again, or finding yourself in the same work-culture dynamics. Other times, moments feel really big that otherwise don’t seem like they should be as impressed upon us as we feel them to be.

My journey through preparation for the ICGAN conference, from January through to earlier this month. Each step was small, but I felt the goalpost getting closer, like Atreyu walking towards the Southern Oracle. The fear of his experience with the first gate dancing in his eyes as he flickers between the faces of the statues, and yet, a different path is had here. Here, following the trials and tribulations he receives his reward, essential knowledge for his greater journey.

I too felt that familiar fear creep in leading up to various conference deadlines — some latent expectation that I would be struck down if I didn’t pass the test ahead. I was anxious, I was struggling to put words to paper, and I was oscillating with periods of self doubt that I could do it at all.

But, like Atreyu, I pushed through the gates anyway. I talked to my peers, to my mentors, and I reflected back on all the work that had been done already. I was confident in what I knew, in what I’ve studied, but I was struggling with how to translate that to the audience I would be presenting to. It felt so big that I was letting it cloud what I was there to do. Then my supervisor told me, “You’ve already won, just be yourself.” (where winning was getting accepted in the first place). And he was right. Somehow that little phrase, that burst of energy, was enough to have me rush through the first gate before I was struck down at the beginning. It worked because I knew, deep down, he was right.

That rightness as it happened went deeper than just support given in a time of need. It re-ignited a fire that had been with me since beginning of this process, that I had such a strong feeling about; I was approaching one of these goalposts.

As much as my emotions took me on a rollercoaster, there was the underlying track that kept me grounded. That in many ways this was inevitable. I knew I would not give up —for better or for worse I would stand up in front of the conference and speak to something regardless of how good it was, I knew that I was on the ride. You can’t get off mid-coaster1.

The closest I think I’ve come to seeing this experience in the wild, and what came to me a few nights before the presentation itself, is the concept of “fixed points in time” from Doctor Who. Moments in time that you can’t change, that are inevitable, that need to happen (in some fashion). They can’t be altered – but they can sometimes be circumvented (sometimes even causing the events to occur in the process of trying to circumvent them – e.g. Pompeii). The Doctor claims to be able to feel or know when things are fixed or not, and following this concept of goalposts it kinda makes sense to me.

Perhaps it’s just the vast quantity of Doctor Who I’ve been watching these days, including tracing back to the very beginning, that’s shaping where I’m ending up here, but suffice to say I do believe in a kind of destiny or fate. But aside from very specific instances, we often have control over how we get there or how long it takes us. Some goalposts we decide to take down, others get erected by choices that we make, but their existence persists because they existed in the first place.

Maybe it’s the lessons we need to learn, the patterns we need to master that creates them. Perhaps it’s the domino effect from certain atoms coming together and reflecting off into predictable directions. Maybe it’s a big game we’ve all logged into with a certain set of quests in mind that we don’t remember —maybe it’s just that we make our fate ourselves with every choice we make. Our destiny, our fate, is literally written every moment by where we put our attention — something we feel our way through the best we can.

“Every great decision creates ripples, like a huge boulder dropped in a lake. The ripples merge and rebound off the banks in unforeseeable ways. The heavier the decision, the larger the waves, the more uncertain the consequences.”

– 7th Doctor, Remembrance of the Daleks

  1. I mean, you can, but in most cases you probably shouldn’t or wouldn’t…that’s a different journey for this metaphor. ↩︎

Curating Communities in the Digital World; Spoilers, it’s nothing new.

Over the past few months in light of the COVID-19 pandemic, I can’t help but feel like there’s been an increasing awareness paid to community. What it means to be part of one, how do we come together as one, how do we build one in an increasingly digital age?

So many questions that people are now asking themselves as though they’re waking up from a haze. For so long people have been going through the motions of life and only truly living in the wisps of what community is supposed to be. People love to blame the internet and social media for destroying historical meanings of what it meant to be part of a community—but many of these people have ceased to evolve to see what modern day communities are actually like.

hpgiu1kefus41Then COVID struck. Slowly, then encapsulating the world. With the physical spaces we used to gather no longer being accessible, people fled to the internet to try and make whole the social spaces they were deprived of. The very people who claimed that these spaces were the death of all community are now struggling to try to figure out how to use the internet as the vast saviour of all things social.

And yet, they still don’t understand.

Now that I’ve passed into the post-comps-dissertation-writing-I-swear phase of my PhD, it’s hard to not see things align in an eerily timely and useful way. While I write about gender and power dynamics for my dissertation, I’m effectively writing about how communities are built and developed online. How their ideologies are developed and perpetuated; how we make meaning in digital spaces. As my academic mantra has been for a while: People, Technology, Culture.

I’ve had the pleasure of receiving a series of graduate research scholarships to develop a community for the UW Games Institute from the ground up in a digital space—predating the COVID epidemic, but accelerated in kind by its appearance. I’ve had in-depth experience with thinking through how to build the culture we want to have, and how to reinforce the culture we already had, through an entirely virtual medium.

This has given me new perspectives not only on how simple it can be to consciously choose the framework you want a community to develop around, but equally how easy it is for people to overlook the simple things that can easily breed discontent and toxicity if overlooked.

As per usual, this is going to come back to World of Warcraft (shocker, I know). I spent the morning talking to my current GM of HKC, whom I’ve known for over 13 years now. We talked about our community, the world of gaming culture, and most notably, the recent scandal with Method.

This scandal sadly has come at no surprise to me, as one who researches within and participates heavily in the competitive gamer world. The stories relayed through this news blast aren’t unique—in fact they’re far more common than many want to believe—but the more these stories come to light, the more…hopefully…we’ll come to see a change in the gaming “community.”

I’ve been lucky that I learned to navigate these worlds earlier, and have surrounded myself over time with people who support the kind of virtual space I want to be a part of, but many aren’t so lucky. That spine, was an important part of my conversation today. We have a strong and long-lasting community within Hello Kitty Club. But despite our size, we aren’t free from risk of drama (nor have we not had our share of it in the 10+ years I’ve been a part of its leadership).

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HKC BlizzCon 2019, HKC + Friends through the years (when we each joined Blizzard, approximately)

 

What struck me today was the willingness to work towards creating systems to stop, acknowledge, or offer recourse for situations in the same wheelhouse as what happened with Method (and others) before they even start. We aren’t some international gaming juggernaut, and yet, the importance of creating safe spaces for all members of your community, is no less important to us.

Over the years, there’s a reason why people keep coming back to HKC. Many guilds rise and fall. People disappear without a word. But for some reason, people keep coming back to us and remember us long after we’ve parted ways (or changed servers), and I can’t help but keep coming back to the question of community. We’ve evolved over the years but there’s something about our core, our attitude, our values that seems to strike a chord with people. Something we hope to soon put to writing to ensure that that energy can continue to thrive beyond the current leadership.

I mean….let’s face it, we might leave this game eventually right? (*awkward laughter*)

In the meantime though, I’m proud to be part of who HKC is today. We acknowledge our own missteps in the past but equally are learning from them in order to build a better community in the future. Even if it’s just in our one small corner of the Discord & Azeroth universes.

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HKC BlizzCon 2019, closing ceremonies

#GamerGate, Tech industry sexual harassment leaks, #BlackLivesMatter, #MeToo, and through this current Method scandal. All of these things happen everywhere, across the globe, but they are changed systematically at the small community level.

We work together to fight intolerance and misconduct at a local level and it can have a rippling effect that spreads across the whole of the industry. It’s human nature to gravitate towards what others are doing successfully. We must continue to fight, no matter how helpless it may seem by learning about these big-news items.

All news is local news, and the biggest of scandals start with the smallest of problems.

Build your communities with care and you’ll see them grow. Let them populate unchecked and you’re just setting yourself up for disaster. I’m sure Method meant well, but at some point you need to let go of old ways, evolve, and stand up for what’s right.

Change is an individual choice. Choose to build better communities, adopt more inclusive values, choose to listen to others.

Choose a better future by acting as though it were already here.